The United States of Amuurika!!!

So as you may or may not know I was M.I.A. for the days of Sept. 3 until Sept. 9. During this time, my lovely girlfriend Jessica took me on a very special road trip. The only concrete plans we had were to spend two nights in NYC.

We had no trouble crossing the border as two white people witht he last names Burley and Bradley. New York State was extremely broing to drive through. There were no rest stops with healthy eating alternatives. We ended up trying very hard to be healthy eating at a Sbarro's Pizza joint. It was ok. We were both sceptical about how they cooked the food though.

We got to Keene, New Hampshire at a reasonable time, right before the local liquor barn closed. In New Hampshire you have to buy your Liquor and wine at L.C.B.O. type places, but you can get beer in every grocery store and convenience store. Jess' cell didn't work in New Hampshire because no one uses Bell there (another good reason not to sign up with Bell). So we quickly discovered that the U.S. has next to no pay phones. I eventually met up with Mike outside the Target where I called him from. He had been in Price Chopper buying us some Longhorn beer which is a micro-brewery in Vermont. He was treating me since he usually drinks cheap stong beer, PBR, or malt liquor 40's. Mike was my best friend when we were growing up and it was very exciting to see him again. It was a special moment when we hugged outside that Target.

So we went to a party in Keene that night and played a game called Beirut. It is basically beer pong. You set up 10 beer cups in a triangular formation and disperse 2 beers as evenly between them as you can on either side of a table about 8 feet apart. You could use 3 beers probably if you like. There are two members on each team and two ping pong balls. Each team member throws one ball and tried to get it in the cup. I think you get the gist now. Mike suggested that it is called Beirut because the country has been bombed so many times in the past.

The next day Mike showed us around town and his school, Keene State. The town is very well groomed, much like my genitals. They also filmed Jumanji there. You could not film Jumanji on my genitals though. We also went to the local Wal-mart to find me a very pro American shirt, like something with an eagle and an american flag that says, "These colours don't bleed!" but we had no luck. Mike suggested it was because support for the Iraq war has diminished so much. Mike also took us to his hipster workplace, Armadillo's for a delicious burrito, on the house!! He made mine with steak and chicken! I would have to say I liked it more than Burrito Boys, with a but of bias since I had a personal connection with the burrito Mike made me.

That night we headed to Bentley College in the outskirts of Boston. We stayed with Mike's cousin Matt, whom he knows "wicked well." It was a little weird staying in dorm again but Matt was really accomodating. The only shitty part was watching college football on TV. The next morning we had a very stressful drive to downtown Boston. So many fucking round-a-bouts! Finally we made it to the Mass Pike and were on our way to the prudential centre parking lot. I never realized that so many schools are in that area. Bentley, Boston U.,Boston College, Harvard, M.I.T., and several others. Unfuckingbelievable! Boston is a beautiful city. Definitely world-class. We went on a famous tour there called the Duck tours. They are World War II vehicles that were designed to go on land and water. Originally they were called D.U.K.H.'s I think. We had a really cool guide who was like being with your funny grandpa. The one major highlight was went some crusty old punk walked out into the street to cross during a green light. He stopped, looked at us and while pointing said, "Go back to fucking Canada!" Wow, could you ask for anything better?!?

At the end of the day we went to Fairfield, Connecticut since NYC's metro North goes out there and we could commute from Fairfield. So we entered New York at Grand Central Station and I swear I saw future H.O.F.'er Tom Glavine while Jess was in the washroom. This was my only celebrity siting which was very unfortunate. When we got onto the street we had some culture shock cause we didn't know where the fuck we were. Somehow we made it to our discount hotel which was nice and turned out to be in a wicked location. We then went to Times fucking square which was interesting, we had some kosher delight. We then went to the wax museum and the empire state building. I think we did a good job of raping Manhattan on out trip but were too scared to even get off the subway when we attempted to go to the Bronx Zoo. We spent some time in the lower East Side which the only place in New York that the Vice guide to the city talks about. We did some discount shopping and ate at the best fucking vegetarian restaurant ever! I had the Karin's burger and it was like having an orgasm for the duration of eating it.

Jess and I conqured the subway too. We never took a cab anywhere. We kinda failed at the nightlife though. We spent one night walking broadway cause everything is open till like 2am. We had tried to go to Dangerfield's comedy club but they had a comedy central taping going on and we didn't have tickets to it so that didn't happen. The next night we went to Gatsby's in Soho, which was ok but we left early to try another bar but there was nothing else in the area. We did stumble into china town a bit though. I had a wicked pint at Gatsby's though. It was Magic Hat #9 and it they make it in Vermont too. Fuck I wish I oculd get it here. I also noticed that the only Canadian beer they seem to have down there is La Fin du Monde for some reason. Go figure.

On our last day we went to the Guggenheim which was sweet, there was a Zaha Hadid exhibit going on, I recommend you google her name. We went to Central Park Zoo, Bloomingdale's, and Rockefeller Centre, which had some grass laid out and a huge screen TV showing the U.S. open Tennis Tournament. We ended our trip at a sushi restaurant which made far too big of pieces for people to be able to fit into their mouth in one bite, but it was still damn good.

One thing I am glad for on the trip was now I know areas of New York and can visualize what places described in Vice and any other literature about New York. I also felt very priviledged to have gotten to do something so awesome to end my summer which I owe entirely to Jess.

So that was my trip. I recommend that you too visit the places I went to. They are so fucking worth seeing.